marooned

A great concept
I think you need to polish & condense

I like shipwrecked poems
in Italy they speak of
allegia dei naugfrahi
happiness of the shipwrecked

Haunting music plays
Storm brewing clouds cloak my world
Shipwrecked & marooned

Wannabe  Haiku is suppose to be 5/7/5 in the traditonal form (yet today modern haikuist say no)
And you should never rhyme  - Try to invoke a scene & emotion with less -make each word &
syllable count & give your voice power

I use this form & tanka 5/7/5/7/7 to compose long pieces for I am wordly (like you) too

 

Thanks for the feedback Chicory! So you think the concept was good but the implementation fell short, isn't it always the case with my poems??

I am only giving you feedback. I am not
trying to be mean. Only to extract & polish
the raw & latent talent I see. If you wish I
will stop commenting on your poems
We have a friendly rivalry here & I thought
I could be very honest with you too

I never meant to offend

No, no, Chicory, now you are misunderstanding my remark, you are the one who is always getting offended. I am grateful for your feedback, so please, if it is not too much trouble keep commenting on whatever i write here, it is always much appreciated. Even if i am saying so myself, and i could be absolutely wrong, perhaps i might be improving because of all the feedback from everybody here, and of course, you. I will feel very bad if you stop commenting on what i write. So Peace!!!

And chicory, i am not becoming too big for my boots, i am nothing --- a zero, but one day i want to be something --- a hero :) i will post a poem on the forum about this later on. hopefully, by now you have spat the anger you felt against me, and feel friendly again.

Not angry at all wannabe just thought I had
offended you.

I think you are improving. We all are.
I just got another rejection letter from
a poetry magazine. We all are zeros to some
& Heros to some

Wannabe, where is the 5-7-5 format??

Too many syllables - this is not really haiku.

Just a suggestion:

Haunting music plays (5)
Outdoors, indoors, storm brewing (7)
So marooned am I (5)

That is the 5-7-5 format you need. See the difference it makes?

I changed the last line because I think "so marooned am I" is better in this than "I am so marooned." Or it could be "So marooned I am"

Many thanks artisanne, ur inputs certainly help, i see the difference, and i hope to write a perfect haiku one day!

Wannabe, just change it the way I have it - I only left out some words. It's still your haiku.

Did you check out a book of Japanese haiku yet, or look on the internet? It would help.

Here is one link
http://www.sacred-texts.com/shi/jh/jh02.htm

The syllables may be off somewhat as they are translated from Japanese. But you stick to the 5-7-5 format.

Remember, you won't get there unless you practice and start now! Don't try to write the "perfect haiku." Who knows what that is. Just work on your own and see what happens. Don't idealize it. Poetry is work.

elusive haiku
whose form suggests perfection
why remain hidden?

is this a praise??? Thanks so much that you like this poem :)

what is the meaning of 'why remain hidden?' now your comment is rather elusive.

i do like this haiku, although as artisanne pointed out, there is a surplus of syllables. not too big a deal though.
my haiku comment was just a little reference to artisanne's directive, "Don't try to write the "perfect" haiku."

Thanks for positive feedback, Musicboy :) That was really stupid of me to say that “I will write a 'perfect Haiku' ”. Well, I should know for one there is no such thing as perfection and if it exists it is pretty boring :)