I scan the horizon,
To see if I know the shadow against the setting sun,
Search faces to see if yours belongs to anyone.
Red and orange are always having a fiery run,
Beyond the windows, roads and lanes,
In the sky and in the ocean.
if you change the third line
Searching the crowd but see no faces
it takes that lost romantic longing away
Me the guy who dislikes such
I found an old such poem the other night
one I probably wrote before you were born
I said -wannabe would love to give me grief
on this one!! I am writing. Lost In Paris
now. A real romantic one Wannabe
So I wonder how you will react when/if
I post it??? Smile
nice wannabe;
i, on the other hand, like the third line :) i'm down with romantic longing.
my suggestion is for the second line; that you make 'shadow' plural, so it goes with 'faces'...
shadows and faces, hmmm, yes. and maybe 'recognize'?
Thank you, Musicboy and Chicory for your comments. I appreciate your feedback musicboy, and chicory, it will be nice if you could post your poem Lost in Paris soon :)
This is really good. I'm commenting before I read other comments so I'm not influenced, just fyi.
I would remove the 3rd line. The 2nd line is so powerful and the 3rd line takes away from it; it's superfluous. Maybe you could add something brief at the end that is not too specific, like this:
I scan the horizon,
To see if I know the shadow against the setting sun,
Red and orange are always having a fiery run,
Beyond the windows, roads and lanes,
In the sky and in the ocean.
But no one.
------------------------------------------
Just a suggestion. I think you are hitting your stride with this one and another recent one I liked.
but deletion is better. But the it is no longer
a sappy love poem. . Wannabe??
Thanks a lot Artisanne, please don’t hesitate to give your suggestions, I appreciate them all. I kind of agree and disagree with you and Chicory on the third line, perhaps it is extra but in my opinion it is essential.
